I’ve been thinking about it. Putting pen to paper. Then deleting it. I’ve run away from it. But why should I run?
As a kid, I was taught to suppress my feelings. To be a good boy. Because boys don’t cry.
Boys don’t show emotions, they’re not weak, they can’t be vulnerable. We are expected to be strong, to be a man. To toughen up. There was and is no grey area. You are expected to carry the world upon your shoulders and plaster a smile on your face. If Beyoncé asks if I still “remember those walls I built”, well, they never came tumbling down.
And they were heavy.
There’s a lot of things I don’t recall from my childhood, but I do remember that I was struggling. And I couldn’t seek help. All I could do at that time was to work on myself. Because nobody cares if they can’t see the struggles, the tangible ones. It doesn’t exist. What is mental health? Nobody is expected to talk about it. Nobody is expected to listen. Nobody cares. Social stigma, shame, and saving face often prevent us from seeking help.
In Vietnam, there’s a very famous hospital called Hanoi Psychiatric Hospital, but in the 90s, people just called it “Trau Quy camp” and when people thought of Trau Quy camp, it was this haunting place. Anything that was associated with “mental health”, “depression”, or “psychotherapy” was considered to be out of order, or even of evil spirits. As kids, when we were pissed off and fighting each other, we were just saying “Go to Trau Quy!” We didn’t know any better.
We were the frog in the well.
But there are weeks where your head knows only chaos. Where you try but fail to suppress your emotions.
I’ve had better days. The news cycle recently has been taxing and sickening. The only “sickening” thing I want to see is from RuPaul’s Drag Race. In PR, we pride ourselves on keeping up with the Kardashians, but also Joe Biden, or trade agreements, or vaccines roll-outs. We pride ourselves on keeping up with the world, but what happens when the world is just a shit show and nobody wants to buy the tickets?
We see Meghan Markle, we see Piers Morgan, and we see scandals. We see the world praising women one day and “women belong in the kitchen” the next. We see ongoing debates. We see racial disparities. We see inequalities. Hatred. We see people collectively bashing “PRs” who made a mistake and sent a bad press release. We see Sarah Everard. A vigil. The police. We see “PRs” sending out press releases exploiting the murder of Sarah Everard.
And just when I thought the list could’ve ended, we see the mass shooting in the US. Eight human lives were taken with six of them being Asian women and the shooter was defended that he had a bad day. We see the hatred toward Asian people. Racism, xenophobia, misogyny.
And even though I grew up with American cultures and I learnt American English when I was a kid, and despite growing up with American TV series and programs, there’s a part of me that fears the US. The old days seem so far away, when I used to rush downstairs to watch Charmed and X-Files. The days when personality types were determined not by Myers & Briggs but by whether you wanted to be Prudence, Piper or Phoebe. In the old days when people were watching the World Cup, I was watching Prison Break on VTV3. My dream is to walk in Manhattan, just like Samantha Jones from SATC (sorry, Carrie was never my fav!). I’m an Asian, but more than that, I’m a human and it’s just disheartening to see what’s going on in the US and in the wider world.
The news has been grim. We couldn’t snuggle up with a cup of tea, scroll through a pocket of the internet where some of the bleakest conversations don’t exist. We deserve a break. I think I do. One of many things I’ve learnt over the years is that it takes courage to seek out help and start the conversation. Going out for a walk, running, watching the same favourite TV series for the 200th time, and having some wine.
Emotions are just as strong. When I saw the news yesterday in the US, when I’ve been thinking about everything I’ve been experiencing, the struggles, the mental health issues, I’m frozen myself for one minute.
We were taught at an early age that we can’t show our emotions. But how can we not show our emotions with everything happening right now? It’s time to wear our emotions on our sleeves.
If you feel like you want to talk, let’s talk. Sit back, relax and summer is coming.
Featured photo by Victor Garcia on Unsplash
